In the Dark Light

absence

It's been a while..

"He comes to stand for us in the presence of the Father, when in our failure and bewilderment we do not know how to pray as we ought to, or forget to pray altogether" - J.B Torrence

Beautiful..

-D

Not my will but Yours be done...

My life is not my own... This is something I do not understand fully, yet it makes sense to me. I understand that God is in control and that His will for my life is perfect and just. I just sometimes try and do everything on my own strength to manipulate what he wants for me or is calling me to.. You know it's actually quite easy to fall into a habit of doing that.. Sometimes we receive gifts in our lives or just simply good things are happening according to what we think is good... And even in such times we pray and say thank you God for these blessings, we say things like.. this is a good thing because "I like it" and therefor can't really be bad in God's mind. I always tell myself I don't want to put God in a box and limit Him to the things in my life.. but honestly I realized today that God has a plan for me, and that sometimes I try and turn or manipulate things that I think are good to reflect "God's" will.. yet His plan definitely will prevail no matter how hard I try and alter it to meet my needs. I have been reading in my Bible, doing a study of the gospels and this weekend read the part where Jesus walks into the garden with his Disciples and asks them to pray.. Then He prays as well and says to God "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done"Luke 22... huh.. and even though I read that scripture I still said yeah.. "Lord let Your will be done..." but what I really felt is this... "Lord let your will be done in my favor" or "let Your will be done so that I am rewarded" I guess that's really the same thing twice over, however it identifies my struggle it a little clearer. A recent event has challenged me with this "God's will" thing in my life... I don't need to mention details or anything, but an aspect of my life needed guidance.. and so I prayed and prayed and prayed... and asked God to show me clarity... And I read the bible and read the bit about "your will be done..." and like I said, even though I read that.. in my conscience I was thinking.. "Well God likes me and wouldn't hurt my feelings... so basically if I ask Him to favor me in this matter... "His will would be done"... BUT NO!! Okay so maybe my thoughts seem scattered but I realised and actually needed somewhat of a kick to realize this... but I realized that God's plan or will for my life is HIS... and when I hear Him calling or presenting me with a situation, the outcome or answer is there... however, this is the hard part.. the answer He has or the outcome we know He has for us is not always what we want.. and so my selfish desire kicks in and "twists"and tries to conform what I'd like into what I then tell myself must be God's will... Well here's the truth.. God's plan hurts! But it doesn't have to hurt if I am obedient and following him everyday. Then I will see His plan/will for me clearly and be so very content and happy. I think if we weren't challenged sometimes by His will that we would not be serving him... or we'd have no need for a God...what I mean by that is, if we are constantly or at least manipulating God's will to conform to our own selfish desires... then we create this fickle sense of temporary happiness. This is not how you know God's will is actually His will. God's will for me is real.. when I am challenged against my own selfishness and called to a higher more purposeful calling from Him. I am sorry for this combustion of scattered thoughts.. but I think I finally get it.. When I was baptised one of the elders at my church read me a verse of encouragement and it was the psalm about "delighting yourself in the Lord...Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"... Well... I guess that's just it. that is what I need to do.. I am looking forward to the challenge of seeking God's true will/plan for me in my life always/daily, not just for the future but for now too.. I can no longer try and create my own sense of what His will might be for me because of my feelings or desires... He knows best. I think sometimes we just loose ourselves in what we think is good for us, when God has so much more in store, and in if we wait upon Him for His timing and are faithful.. delighting in Him we will see this truth a reality. God's time is perfect.. wait upon Him.

My prayer is this for me and for all: "Lord let all my selfish and worldly desires be gone and be made knew in your strength. So that this will or plan I seek for me is of You! May my thoughts be pure and concise, and my new desires line up with Yours undeniably. May I seek first Your kingdom Lord in order to receive and understand the joy of knowing I am Yours and that in You I am safe. Let me do this before I seek to reap the benefits of my own strength.. that ultimately lead me to destruction...Help me to be dilegent while I seek Your will for me, remind me that Your time for matters in my life is always better than that of my own understading.
AMEN

Cold place

It's ridiculously cold, I long for the summer to get here.. Yet in this cold place I am grateful for now, life is good after all. Listen to music - it's awesome. -Dan

Drive... a dream I once had

Forward - © Dan Nel Photography 2008

Its early morning on this beautiful and crisp summer day,

the sky is open, no clouds in sight, only the road, and the guy ahead of me

the guy I have been following for seems like a decade...he drives slow!!

I have my tunes playing in the background, and I am enjoying the smooth summer breeze

flowing through my windows whilst I sing my heart out to my favorite songs…

My mind wonders at times about the matters I face everyday: work, money, food, education… I wonder when I will finish my degree; I wonder how I will pay for it.

In the midst of all this day dreaming I am still only following the guy ahead of me,

The one whom I feel has been in the lead for quite some time. I feel strong with him in front, I feel like if anything would happen to me he would see me in his rear view mirror and stop, turn and come to my aid. I feel at peace with this guy ahead of me.

As I look to seat beside me I noticed a cell phone, and it was ringing.

So I did only what most people would do when they see a ringing phone…

“Hello? Hello… is anyone there?

“Yeah I am here; I was here and will always be here… Listen I need you to keep

Following me, we are heading for our destination, and we are making good speed okay… try not to fall behind…” Click!!

Putting the phone down I realize the voice on the other side sounded very familiar,

I knew this voice, I have heard it before. It was the same comforting voice, that lead me

to come on this trip…

So… we drove further and further, we even drove through a few storms, in one we actually had to pull over because the wind was so strong…It was here I was able to buy

a drink and a snack for the road, and you know, use the facilities… As the rain died down

I grabbed a coffee and hit the road again, by now the sun was coming out behind the thick black clouds and I could smell the rain through my air conditioning vents.

Ahhh the smell of rain… One of my favorite smells…

Ring…Ring, I picked up the phone and once again it was the guy I had been following, only this time he was behind me, I had left too quickly at the road stop and he had to catch up… He said this isn’t a problem, but he felt he needed to be in the front as only he knew the way to our destination. Okay… I said with a smirk on my face… “Why can’t I lead I said… I know how to drive… It’s not like I can get lost on this straight road…aaaahhh whatever I said frustrated…

As the drive went on I turned on the radio and listened to this weird guy talk about

how it’s important to let other people in on what’s happening in our lives. “Don’t let

The sun go down on your anger… stuff like that…” I’m not angry! I thought about how I just don’t like telling just anyone what’s wrong or why I am sad or sometimes depressed. It wasn’t like no one knew me I just didn’t open up to people easily; it had a lot to do with trust and bitterness towards others. I was just thirsty… I needed to open that drink I bought at the road stop… Ahhhh how satisfying. At that moment we drove past some people camping or having a pick nick, and there it was, a camp fire and I could smell the smoke for miles…and that is another one of the best smells in the world…

The smell triggered memories from when I was a child; I remembered how my family always sat around the fire as we camped, and how my grand parents would sing songs in

Harmony… my mom would always join in and my dad’s eyes lit up with enjoyment. Perhaps those times were a part of what lead me to love music and harmony, and the fellowship one could have singing together. Oh family is great… I continued to day dream about my child hood and the things I missed the most, it was rather nostalgic… like swimming all the time and playing cricket in the back yard with my older brother. And the watermelon we ate a Christmas. We would get so sticky from the water melon juice that the cold crisp pool water would be the only thing to save us from getting stuck to the plastic garden chairs, and of course getting stung by bees…The memories of life as a child continued to flow one after the next, at times I would laugh so loud tears rolled down my cheeks.

As we continued down this long road that seemed never ending we drove past this

Huge field that was so beautiful, the entire field was golden yellow, and reflection the sun cast made it look like a sea of gold…Im not sure what exactly was growing there but it seemed like that farmer had a good crop this year.

As I started thinking about reality and my surroundings, I think the word crop

Triggered a thought in my mind… “money, school, work…” and once again I was left of with stressful thoughts from earlier, how am I going to pay for school, or how was it possible for me to afford rent” I was stressed out and I needed some more of that beverage… mmm at least it tasted good.

We drove and we drove and I kept following this guy… I started to wonder why.. and honestly, couldn’t he go a bit faster… I wanted to get where we were going soon…not in 20 years…I sighed and sat back in my seat unclenching my fists on the steering wheel … “it’s all right just relax” said a voice in my head… there is no need to rush anywhere. The sun was setting in the distance so I figured it was probably a good time to turn my lights on, I was seriously starting to get tired though… real tired, and fast.

At times I flashed my high beams at buddy in front of me to pull over, because his number came up as private caller so I couldn’t call him back… I guess that didn’t really get his attention. I knew though that sooner or later we would have to stop for gas…

About an hour later we pulled over in this small decrepit little town. Wow I thought to myself, I hope I leave here alive… the guy at the gas station had a few teeth missing and huge beard… there was mustard stains all over his face and some tomato juice in his beard. Would you like to fill up son? “uh, yes please sir… regular please…” Okay he said…

As I was waiting, the phone rang… guess who… “Hey, are you okay to drive a few more hours, or do you need sleep? Hmmm well sleep would be good except I’d rather not stay here, these people creep me out. “Sounds good “son” (mocking the station attendant) hahah, we’ll keep going. There is a bigger town an hour and half from here. Sound good I said, with some relief that I wouldn’t have to sleep anywhere near Santa clause with the mustard stains. So I grabbed a beverage from the machine beside the gas pump and hit the road again.

As we drove I noticed some stars in the sky, I wondered how far away some of them were, and that my family was pretty far away too… I hadn’t seen them in a while. I wondered how they were doing, some of my cousins got married a while ago and I wasn’t able to even make there weddings… It made me kind of sad that I missed that. If I only had more money… and time away from work and school… oh there we go again… the burdensome thoughts. Soon after getting semi depressed we arrived in this town… wow there was actually a building with more than one floor… Sweet! This will do, this will do I said…

Phantom boy ahead of me pulled in to the parking lot of this motel and just pointed at the office and then turned of his ignition. I parked in front of the office and got me a room, I was tired. I asked the guy if there were any take-out joints in town that I could order some food from. Sure, in you room there is a card with a few places on it, here is your key sir, have a good night.

Room number 7, nice I thought, I always liked that number as it was the number of one of my favourite Beatles tunes on the second disc of the Beatles red album “nowhere man”…I don’t know why I remembered that, it has been a while since I heard that song, or even thought about it. I got to my room ordered some pizza and turned on the TV. Great the only thing that was on worth watching was a rerun of CSI… an episode Im sure I’ve seen at least twice. Oh well I was more interested in the pizza and beverage then the dialogue of the show or the body that was being dissected by the coroner (It always seemed to happen right when I was eating). After I ate grabbed my toothbrush from the car and noticed “buddy” was still in his car… he had a jacket pushed against the window and was reading with a flash light… Did he not want a room? Should I invite him for some pizza perhaps the floor in my room to sleep on… Whatever, Im sure he would have called if he wanted my company. So I brushed my teeth and hit the sack.

The next morning I got a wake up call from the Motel front desk saying, “Good morning, this is the front desk calling to wake you up as you requested… Have a great day!” Thanks! It’s 6 in the morning; this must have been the handy work of the mystery man… So I got up had a nice shower and grabbed myself a muffin and an Orange Juice after I paid the Motel folks… Buddy already had his engine running, so I ran to my car and hit the road again… Now at this point I was really starting to wonder, who the heck this guy was and why I hadn’t stopped following him all this time… I immediately realized that I knew him and have for a long time and that I should keep on driving behind him. So I put on my sun glasses and we started heading east.

Around noon we drove into a bigger town with a couple of malls and taller buildings, population...um, I wasn’t sure. It is here were the clouds started to form once again… The cell rang and I didn’t hear it as I had my music too loud trying to impress the girls walking about… after all I did have my sun glasses on. I saw a strip mall and I pulled up beside a convenience store, I needed some food and a drink. Buddy did not stop… he kept on going… I figured what ever he’ll pull over or wait for me outside the town on the highway… As I walked into the store I saw a familiar face… It was someone from my past, someone I had tried to disassociate myself with. This person’s voice was not so nice, nor was it peaceful; it reminded me of a bad time, a place I wished I’d never visit again. They started asking me questions, showing me things I did not want to see, making me do things I would regret things fro the past… I was ashamed that I stayed so long to visit my old friend or should I say nightmare…I was mad that I didn’t just go in there to buy a drink and some food… I was mad that I didn’t answer the cell and that I had to try and be someone that isn’t me to make people like me… I was ashamed, and now I felt lost. I bought my drink and grabbed my food as quick as I could, and left… hours had past since I last saw the guy I was following for what seemed like ages… hours had past since I had driven behind him… Where could he have gone, has he been waiting for me… The clouds seemed thick and dark, the lighting was heavy in the distance, but I could waste anymore time, I had to catch up, I had to find my way, the way back to the driver. As I drove out of the town, it started to pour I thought all heavens was coming down. I thought this was the end of this trip; maybe I should go back to the town and wait there with “nightmare” until the rain stopped… No said the voice inside my head… NO keep on driving… Keep on Keepin on!!! So I drove endlessly it felt like I was getting no where I could not see more than 10 feet ahead of me as the rain was so thick… I felt sick to my stomach, thoughts of debt, scandal and lust streamed through my head… I did not know the way out this time… I did not see, I could not see… Where was I going? I didn’t know the answer. After what seemed like a few hours the cell rang…

“Hey man… how’s it going over there? It’s probably raining as the weather forecast said on the news…I can hear it through the phone… Are you okay? I tried calling you, but you pulled over, I tried a few time but you didn’t listen for the call… It’s okay, just take it slowly, we will get through this. It’s only a storm. “I am afraid, I don’t even know where I am, you were leading before and you are the only one who knows the way… how I am I supposed to get to you? Listen “son” referring back to Santa with mustard stains…there is a road map in the pocket behind your passenger seat… take it out, relax and you will find me, I am waiting in the next big town. Just pull over collect yourself and go over the map, find a place to figure out were you are then find it one the map, you will find it. This map has everything important on it.

After the leader dude called to calm me down, I reached behind my passenger seat in the pocket and grabbed the road map… I wouldn’t have even thought of this hadn’t he called, I was so panicked and was definitely freaking out. I drove past a sign with a name of a town and pulled over. And there it was I was only a few hundred miles away from the next big town, the next chapter of this road trip the place that he was waiting for me the place where I would once again be with the man who lead the road. I felt safe.. Life is good.

The greatful and good...

Praise - © Dan Nel Photography 2008

A day like today... well aside from the massive amounts of rage caused by things at work, and the fact that I feel like I'm getting sick again...I really have to admit that things just really aren't all that bad. Life is good... it really is. We have a Creator that loves us deeply and that will draw near to us as we draw near to Him. He is always with us and we are in His presence. I think it's funny sometimes that as Christians, during times of worship we might say "we invite you into our presence Lord" Wait a sec.. He is God! He is omnipotent... He is everywhere all the time. Just thought I'd mention that...So how can we say "join us" Always did wonder about it.. Maybe it's a symbolic thing, that we are welcoming Him... but still should we not be saying "Thank you Lord for letting us meet here with You today"... Maybe I'm wrong.. Perhaps you could explain your thoughts about this..
Anyhow back to Life being Good.. I have a roof over my head.. I have a car, a family, some awesome friends an amazing girlfriend. And I have a God that wants to have a relationship with me. Who forgives me and provides me with healing when I break.. that is pretty amazing. God loves me for who I am, and he is shaping me daily to want a more Holy life.. the quest for sanctification... He blesses me with gifts of the spirit that encourage me and others. He walks side by side with me in good times and in horrible times.. Yet He never changes, He is always my God and my friend.

For this I am greatful..

-Dan

Somwhere...

Fast lives - © Dan Nel Photography 2008

A new song brings me here tonight... as per my last entry I mentioned I felt something like a new song brewing.. Well it brewed and it's different than anything I've written. I feel like I'm discovering a new way of writing music... and that really excites me. Can't go without saying that I think David Gray (my fave) has some influence on that. I have been listening to this man for the better part of 5 years now and I must say I am really into his stuff. He is by far the best song writer I have listened to ever. Anyhow so I think he has inspired me, through his work to write in a new way. Try to anyhow.. I think it's working.
This isn't all that interesting however, it is a huge breakthrough for me.. if you are someone who writes music or anything, then you might understand. It's like you get to a certain place in your writing where you feel like it's mundane and not getting anywhere. Anyhow, I just broke free from that. It feels nice.. Perhaps you might understand.
Life is good... Valentines weekend was great.. Spent time with my lady, it was great. Also got to see my family on Sunday which is always great to have everyone together.. Well, the 6 of us anyhow.. oh 7 actually can't forget to include psycho Jodi, our dog... hehe she is another topic all together. I love her though.

That's all for now folks... -Dan